man walking my way
by Elouise
11 July 2012
man walking my way
across deserted playground
trees inhale . . . . . . . . hold breath
Is he safe? It’s 6:30am. What’s he doing here at this time of day? Looks like he’s been sleeping in the park. Rumpled work clothes—not very clean or stylish. He’s watching me. Thank goodness I’m wearing sunglasses.
I glance around, trying to seem nonchalant. No one else is in sight. He doesn’t look friendly or unfriendly. His face doesn’t register any emotion I recognize. I’ve never seen him before.
I have my cell phone; it’s turned on. What should I do? Yes, I’m out in the open in a public space. But it’s deadly silent and I’m alone. My anxiety spikes. I know he sees me.
The distance between us is closing. If I keep walking my normal route, I’ll pass him before we pass each other. Then I won’t see him at all–where he is or what he’s doing.
Why is he here? Why isn’t anyone else out for an early morning walk? The leaves on the trees are silent. I’m holding my breath; my heart is pounding.
I walk on. Now he’s behind me. When I turn around to walk home I see him walking out of the park. When I get home I write the haiku above.
Even after decades of personal work I feel undone.
Is it right to call 911 when the emergency is internal, not clearly external? How do I justify calling 911 or raising a ruckus? Is it enough that I don’t feel safe?
Moments like this remind me of the shopkeeper and other unwelcome experiences. Some men pushed the envelope verbally or bodily, putting me on edge and on guard. Others went over the line. Even then I didn’t raise a ruckus.
Do I really know how to take care of myself?
Is this kind of inner turmoil common to being female?
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 16 Dec 2013
Telling the Truth 
Your account above is why I don’t like walking alone. I’ve never had anything happen, but the possibility is stressful.
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I also think of not walking alone when it’s for recreation, but I feel sad that it is a limiting factor as a woman. I try not to drive alone past quite late hours, as I have felt more vulnerable in that regard the older I am. While I agree about protecting oneself, it’s helpful in different communities if women don’t have to be alone when there is a situation of need–such as going to cars after meetings or events in the evening. I was once in a community that was vigilant about that and I appreciated it.
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It is a fine line, however always is safer to listen the inner voice. On one hand how many times people in this country has change side of the walk street when they see my Mexican face and I am just walking… still I am a foreigner, at the beginning that made me feel bad and judge… with the time I learn not to feel and not judge what the other person according to her perception felt about me… perhaps If I will wear a suit with a tie… perhaps if my face will be clean of any beard… I like my beard… perhaps if I will have blue eyes and not have my mexican revolutionary presence with hard lines in my face… perhaps the person will accept my smile or my “Buenos días”… perhaps. However and still, I believe people should listen first what the mind and heart says… that is why I do not longer feel bad with my self when I see that. When I feel that the person feel insecure or has change the side of the street I do not even make an eye contact… I am already in the negative side…
I remember one time when a Police in Wynnewood questioned that I was the father of two white daughters in the park… and I remember that took me several months until the other mothers in the park were confortable with my presence while I arrived with books and two little girls to push from the swing set… One time I shared with a friend… and she said, Obed, you have strong presence, however when people know you they realized that you are friendly.
I cannot change the perception of people… I just accept the perception.
However and still in city life caution is important. I just explained to my two daughters how to break an arm and how to scape from an attack… girls from Church now ask me to teach them… necessary skills of survival.
Thanks for sharing!
Obed
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Obed, Thanks for this response straight from your heart and your experience, and in your own clear voice. I rather like your idea of teaching your daughters survival skills! I also relate to your questions about what you wear, how you look and whether to make eye contact. I appreciate your emphasis on listening to our inner voices, especially when they draw on unhappy past experiences in order to raise a warning. It’s as though they’re saying, “Stay in the present; do what you need to do to take care of yourself!” Now. Especially when it seems weird or irrational and you feel “like a fool.”
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The older I get, the more frightened I become, when I’m alone walking, especially of unidentified men, especially since I’m trying to live outside my head, which is full of optimism and fantasy!
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Theresa, Thanks for this honest confession.
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