Thank you, Old Soul | Part 2 of 2
by Elouise
Alas! The second half of George MacDonald’s sonnet is as tough as the first. When I first read it years ago, it sounded like 100% Bad News. Especially for me.
Here’s the entire sonnet so you can see and hear how they’re connected. If you haven’t already done this, you might try reading them out loud. Sometimes this helps me put myself into the picture.
October 1
Remember, Lord, thou hast not made me good.
Or if thou didst, it was so long ago
I have forgotten—and never understood,
I humbly think. At best it was a crude,
A rough-hewn goodness, that did need this woe,
This sin, these harms of all kinds fierce and rude.
To shape it out, making it live and grow.October 2
But thou art making me, I thank thee, sire.
What thou has done and doest thou know’st well,
And I will help:–gently in thy fire
I will lie burning; on thy potter’s wheel
I will whirl patient, though my brain should reel;
Thy grace shall be enough the grief to quell,
And growing strength perfect through weakness dire.George MacDonald, The Diary of an Old Soul, Augsburg Fortress Press 1994
First published as A Book of Strife in the Form of a Diary of an Old Soul, privately published 1880
My comments relate to the October 2 reading.
At first I couldn’t help seeing MacDonald’s God as a version of Daddy intent on breaking my will. The only difference is that now I’m supposed to be the willing, cooperative, even helpful victim. Just stay there, burning on the whirling potter’s wheel. No resistance at all. No attempts to jump off the wheel or take initiative. My worst nightmare.
In reality, this sonnet addresses one of the most difficult parts of my healing: taking responsibility for my adult choices. The sonnet is about growth pains. It’s about what it takes to be rewired from the inside out.
Ultimately, it’s about taking my adult place as one of God’s beloved daughters. This sounds glorious, but it isn’t. Growing up is painfully difficult for Good Girls who habitually seek and depend upon the Approval of Others.
What does it look like for me to whirl patiently on the potter’s wheel? Most of the time it looks like any or all of the following:
- Walking into my fear of being misunderstood (I want you to understand and approve of me.)
- Giving up my need to be right and my need to be liked (Feels like choosing sudden death or certain failure)
- Making mistakes, requesting and accepting feedback, trying yet again. And again. (Almost beyond my comprehension)
- Asking for and accepting help from one of God’s many angels in disguise (Not as difficult as it sounds after the initial shock of meeting an angel in disguise)
- Showing up whether I feel like it or not (Sometimes I’d rather do anything but show up.)
- Acknowledging and expressing my grief when I let go of old ways that are no longer comforting, comfortable or safe (A hard discipline that exposes the extent of my neediness)
- Not second-guessing God when things I don’t like and didn’t choose come into my life (I like to second-guess God as in ‘I can’t believe You let that happen!’)
That’s more than enough for most days. Baby steps toward becoming a rewired, mature, responsible adult woman—God’s beloved daughter child, sometimes honorary member of the Disobedient Daughters of Eve Society.
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 25 September 2014
So much of this chimes with my own experience, Elouise. The sonnet is lovely, and understated. Recently I had occasion to read most of ‘Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway” from which I took this idea, that the real fear underpinning every other fear, is the fear that (if the worst happens) we will not be able to cope.
But of course we will, actually. Fear isn’t real, but it sure can paralyse, can’t it?? Bless you, and know that you are loved. Always. xxxx 😀
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Fran, Thanks so much for your affirmation and your comment about “the real fear.” Your summary statement about the book rings so true. So does your comment about the way fear can shut us down or shut us up. I love the book title. A little mantra of its own!
Elouise
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Elouise, you have had much spiritual growth just to tell the world of you’re story, which btw, is the same as millions of others. God’s patient teaching is so wonderful and is slowly transforming us to match what we already are positionally, perfect. Thank you “young lady”! 🙂
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Levi, It’s great to hear from a “young man”!:) I appreciate so much your reading and commenting and encouragement. Yes, God getting us positioned on center! It takes a lifetime.
Elouise
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You say “sometimes honorary member of the Disobedient Daughters of Eve Society.” Is there a Disobedient Sons of Adam Society? If so, I am well qualified for membership. We all are disobedient at times – its part of what makes us human. But we can always ask for forgiveness which God freely gives. That’s what counts.
Uncle Waldo
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Hi, Waldo. Thanks for your good question. From one point of view, you’re absolutely correct about God’s forgiveness. However, I’m trying to communicate how difficult it is to break “rules” that were made long ago for me, but that did not serve me well as a child or as an adult. They aren’t God’s rules; they’re life rules handed down to me by my family, and reinforced by the church and society in general. I was both expected and trained to obey authority figures, not to discuss or question them, even if they were wrong or misguided. When I became an adult, I was afraid to contradict or question people in authority over me. I had to learn to be a ‘disobedient’ daughter (bad girl, bad woman) in order to do that. Men grow up with their own ingrained life rules that need to be broken. So yes, somewhere out there I’m hoping there’s a Disobedient Sons of Adam Society! I hope this makes sense. Thanks for the good question.
Elouise
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