Faculty Wife | Part 15
by Elouise
By summer 1972 D knew things might not work out for him at the Bible College. I wasn’t sure they would work for me, either. After we got back from our fabulous trip to the West Coast, routine kicked in for me. So did depression and loneliness for adult company.
Though we arrived at the Bible College in fall 1969, I didn’t attend any monthly Faculty Wives Fellowship meetings. They were held at the president’s home, hosted by the president’s wife. She was bright, gifted, outgoing, a creative artist, mother of several children, and a cheerful friend to our young children. I liked her. I trusted and admired her.
I also knew a few other faculty wives who lived on campus. They remembered me from my student days, and always had kind words for me. I knew I would be welcome at the monthly meetings of these women. Maybe this would help me with my loneliness.
When I arrived at my first meeting, the ladies welcomed me warmly. After coffee, tea and goodies, we all sat in a circle in the living room. The procedure was simple. After a brief devotional we went around the circle giving updates about how things were going, and any prayer requests we might have.
I felt relief, along with a bit of nervousness. I needed this group, even though my gut was grabbing and I didn’t know exactly what I would say when my turn came. I did, however, know what I needed to talk about. Which I did. With feeling, a few tears and a request for prayer.
I described my loneliness, depression, weariness, and sense of being isolated because D was gone all day and some evenings doing Bible College work. I didn’t hate my children; I loved them. And I couldn’t do all this by myself.
What happened next was totally unexpected, though looking back I understand too well what I tapped into. A few of the younger women had nodded empathetically as I spoke. Most of the women, however, were older than I.
Two of them immediately took me to task—in a kind yet brutal way. This was my job. I needed to get over it. Grit my teeth and do what needs to be done. That’s why I’m here, and that’s why I’m married to D. So he can do what he has been called to do as a gifted professor. Some nodded with approval; others were silent.
Then there was prayer, which included prayer for me. I felt unglued, and couldn’t stop crying.
At the end of the closing prayer the president’s wife turned directly to me. She told me I should get down on my knees every day and thank God that I’m married to this brilliant man who is doing and will continue to do a world of good for whomever he meets. I need to get over it and move on because it’s going to get worse, not better. I’m married to D and this is my calling.
The woman sitting to my left was the wife of my church history professor when I was a student at the Bible College. I admired her then and still admired her. She had a professional life of her own and had raised several children. She was also a woman of few words. She took my hand and told me she identified totally with what I’d said, and that if I could just make it through these early years, it would get better.
I never returned to any Faculty Wife fellowship meetings. I did, however, take my friend’s words to heart. It didn’t solve everything. I still needed help. But I knew I wasn’t alone and I wasn’t the first young mother to feel this way.
To be continued….
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 29 October 2015
Photo credit: DAFraser, October 1972
I’m trying to work out what I want to say. “the president’s wife. She was bright, gifted, outgoing, a creative artist, mother of several children, and a cheerful friend to our young children. I liked her. I trusted and admired her.”
And she let you down and gave you some awful advice and you are still carrying some of that burden – I think. I can understand why you never went back. Because they frightened you away. St Paul – especially to Timothy has a lot to answer for. He tried to cover himself by saying that it wasn’t from God but from himself. And he was a died in the wool Old Testament Jewish Rabbi. And the Orthodox still go on with it.
LikeLiked by 3 people
John, Thanks for your kind, perceptive words. It’s difficult to convey the culture of the Bible College. I broke free from it professionally and to a large extent, personally. Yet I still carry scars and regrets. I’ve never understood people who ‘have no regrets.’ I have some and am still learning to live with them.
I think the older faculty wives were, to some extent, defending the expectations they had tried so hard to fulfill. Some of the women were enormously gifted. But what were they to do? Only a few of the older women found a way to be mothers and to have professional identities. As a younger woman, I had some options most older women never considered possible or desirable. Sometimes I’ve encountered deep anger in older women who lived the ‘perfect wife’ role and felt shut out–only to see younger women like I was back then doing or even saying things they could have done or said.
You’re correct–too many still live according to expectations and interpretations that make women less than full partners in life. At home, in churches and other faith communities, and in places of business. We impoverish ourselves when we do this. We need each other as male and female–not simply as ‘human beings.’
Thanks again for your comments!
Elouise
LikeLiked by 3 people
This is very well-written.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Herminia. For reading and commenting.
LikeLike
You don’t have to thank me for that. I think the picture is super cute too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
OK. I won’t! I love the photo, too. There must be at least a thousand words said and unsaid in that picture and in the looks on their faces.
LikeLike
That’s what I love about it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s really interesting, isn’t it? The young women agreed with you, but said nothing, assuming, (I assume) that the older women would advise them, and would know more.
It does get easier, there is no doubt, and it gets more fun too. But there is little help to be garnered from older women who tell you to buck up and grow up. They said that to me – and how sexist that advice feels, too (‘this is your calling to support this lovely man’) even if it is true.
But how to cross the yawning gulf between where you are, and where you want to be, that is the question.
We got there, honey.
Thanks for writing this series. xxxx 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
You’re welcome, Fran. And thanks for your comments! It is indeed interesting. I’m guessing some of the younger women were protecting themselves and their reputations. It didn’t take much to be branded as a ‘difficult’ woman. Also, some were new, as was I, and may have had their husbands’ reputations on their mind. I don’t know. Just a guess. In my case, D had already rocked a few boats, and we weren’t at all sure we would remain after this year. And–desperation (as I was feeling) is a great way to find courage to do what needs to be done!
“It does get easier,…and…more fun too.” Yes! Supporting my lovely man is a wonderful thing to do. I hope I still do that–though some might wonder at the strange way I/we do this (or don’t do that!). And yes, there’s that “yawning gulf.” I’m so glad to be where I am now–even though it was a bit crazy-making sometimes.
Big hugs across the puddle!
Elouise
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hugs back! XXX
LikeLike
I can’t agree with your reading of the ‘president’s wife’. You are too kind. I think she was cruel and lacking in understanding. All her ‘positive’ attributes probably meant that she had never walked where you were walking. Or if she had she had forgotten what it was like. I guess you and I are about the same age. I had and older woman, in the late 1960s tell me that we wouldn’t last on the mission field. and being human I have never forgotten her comment. And it hurt! We had just arrived. Fortunately I had another older women encourage me and love me and teach me a lot about caring for people. I needed that so much living in a foreign land. I still live there with a hiatus of about 20 years. But I have still messed up even so and the people who come along side and take our hand are the ones we need to remember. Yes I have lots of regrets but some good memories too.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hi, Robin. Thanks for this comment! Here’s what I think about the president’s wife and the other women who were older than I. They’d already given much or even most of their lives to supporting their husbands’ careers. Often at great personal and sometimes even family cost. To admit they didn’t have to do it that way would have been devastating. The president’s wife was at least 10 years older than I was, and had, I think, married at a younger age. Her temperament was different from mine. I think she enjoyed being the president’s wife–even though it took a mountain of work to support him in his official capacity.
I can, however, see why you say what you do. She may also have been protecting her husband (who had hired D in the first place) by doing her part in helping me understand what I was now supposed to do if D was going to be all that he could be! I don’t buy that. But I think she did–and her entire life was all about supporting he husband’s carrier and ministry (as missionaries). In fact, her creativity, hospitality and outgoing nature helped him indirectly by making sure he and the Bible College had a good name in the community/city. Also, as the president’s wife, she had way more support, positive feedback, encouragement and gratitude from others than I did. You may be right about her forgetting what it was like when her children were in diapers, not yet in school. I’m pretty sure they had 5 children. I’m not positive. I do know she raised more children than I raised!
You and I may be about the same age. I’m in my early 70s. Your 1960’s ‘message’ about not making it on the mission field is similar to what I was told. And you’re absolutely right. You never forget it, even though you move on. Yes, thank God for the women who do get it and support us. I found one such woman years later, when I was in my 40s. There have been others, but she’s still the person who understands me better than anyone else, and gets it.
Thanks again for your great comment. It got me going!
Cheers!
Elouise
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for your reply. I still think that Jesus would not have told you what she did. He was tough on those who were religious (which I have to remember) But those who were hurting He just loved. How important it is to be there for others and not thinking of ‘throwing the first stone’. Jesus dealt with Zacchaeus strongly without belittling him. Certainly in public he didn’t put him down. What they said in private obviously had a positive outcome. I think the word private is important too. Yet He didn’t condone what Z had done and how he had lived and treated people in the past.
I’m 2 years older than John.
And Cheers to you too!!
Robin
LikeLiked by 1 person
Whoa! So glad to know John has a 2-years-older-than-he-is sister. That’s undoubtedly why he’s a good bloke! I love your comments. They’re right on target! I think the What Would Jesus Do craze (with the WWJD bracelets and all that) hadn’t yet reached the Bible College. Though I’m not certain even that would have changed anything. I agree 100%–Jesus would NOT have behaved that way. Thanks so much, Robin.
Elouise
LikeLike