Secrets
by Elouise
Secrets of my body
pause, linger, bleed slow
through veins
barely alive, gasping—
for Air.
The cost of keeping family and personal secrets weighs heavy. Not just on my mind and emotions, but on my heart. Which is to say, my whole body—soul, spirit and body systems included.
Contrary to the way I’ve imagined it, secrets aren’t stored away somewhere inside me, in a locked closet. Contained. Restrained. Ignored. Left to rot and die.
Instead, they leak fumes into the atmosphere of my whole body—disruptive, choking, nauseating fumes. From one body system to another they travel, lingering and doing their mischief. Taunting me, fighting in my intestines, taking my heart by storm or sucking the breath out of it.
Secrets hate the light of day. They hate being defrocked. Exposed. Turned inside out. Discarded.
And so they leave me reminders, lest I forget. Reminders engraved here and there throughout my body. Time capsules waiting to be discovered.
I’d rather live with the once-upon-a-time of scars than with the secrets that begot them.
***
It’s a stormy day outside, blizzard conditions. I’m happy to be sending this out to you from the warmth of my home. An unanticipated pleasure on a bitter cold Saturday morning!
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 23 January 2016
Photo credit: DAFraser, August 2010
Aging Water Oak at the end of Montgomery Road, Savannah, Georgia
Telling the Truth 
A powerful piece that resonates deeply. Stay warm and happy my friend, I am above the storm, just light flakes…and cold just enough to feel it in the tired bones. Peace and love and warm thoughts, K
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Thank you, Kim. The snow is piling up, blowing around, and now being showered with sleet! Which is going to turn into heavier snow this afternoon. I keep thinking about the little birdies and other wildlife out there. We don’t get it this wild very often. Still happy to have electricity and heat. Plus good friends pit there and good books to visit!
Elouise
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Letting secrets go allows the calluses to heal.
‘To get what you want, you’ve got to let go’ I’ve been saying, because it is not possible for us to do everything we want to do, alone. xxxx 🙂
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Thanks for this comment, Fran. Many things are are indeed healed when we let go of our secrets. I’m not so optimistic about damages to bodily systems. For me, a huge part of healing has been accepting what’s already there–learning to befriend it, take care of it, honor and respect it for helping me get through. Perhaps in another life all will be well. This is my hope! My own healing is first about spiritual and relational healing, though never without attention to physical healing. Sometimes it follows completely, sometimes it doesn’t. Your comment about not being able “to do everything we want to do, alone” is right on target. We absolutely need each other. Which is why I’m so glad to see you today! 🙂
Elouise
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